1. No one cares how skinny you are except you. Exactly zero people at your wedding are looking at how flat your stomach is, or the way the back of your arms jiggle when you hold your arm up in front of a mirror and try to jiggle it. You’re not going to walk down the aisle, look into a mirror, and pinch and jiggle your body until you’re thoroughly unsatisfied with it. You’re going to look into the eyes of the love of your life and pledge your undying devotion to that person until the end of time. And then you’ll drink. Guests, likewise, are too busy basking in your love and your bomb-ass dress and thinking about their next drink to notice if you did 10 extra planks in the past six weeks.
2. Your facial? Literally no one is noticing whether or not you got one and whether or not you maintained it before the wedding. Before I got married, I got a facial. The woman doing the facial stuck electrodes onto my face, which allegedly de-puffed it. Even I didn’t notice whether or not my face was less puffy. “Don’t drink or eat salty foods, or you’ll puff back up,” she warned me. I don’t know what she thought week-before wedding prep was like because I felt like I was on a pirate ship with nothing to do but ho ho ho with a bottle of rum (replace rum with tequila and Champagne). So again, get a facial if you’re feeling fancy, or don’t get a facial if you’re feeling fancy. No one is going to notice! Including you.
3. DON’T CHECK THE WEATHER. Some of my darkest moments as a human female came while I was checking the weather the five days leading up to my wedding. I was crying and looking at Pinterest alone in my bed. I’m not proud of this but this is the kind of anxiety the American wedding industrial complex instills in the modern bride. The night before my wedding, it rained sideways. We had already said no to our contingency rain plan because the forecast said all clear at the time. I could think of nothing in those hours but drinking forbidden alcohol, eating forbidden Cape Cod potato chips, and drinking Champagne. The day of the wedding, the clouds parted and we had beautiful, perfect weather. What’s more, I had so much fun I wouldn’t have cared if it had rained. So trust me when I say weather is fickle and can change on a dime — and that Weather.com is not your friend in these stressful-ass times!
4. Write your own vows. My husband wanted us to write our own vows. I was deeply nervous about reciting my most personal feelings to the world but we did it anyway. And let me tell you — this is what people really remember about your wedding. Years later, people come up to me and say, “It was so sweet when you cried when you read your vows.” Yes, I cried! I’m a sap! But your family and friends will love it and feel so happy for you. Unlike all those drunken conversations you’ve had with strangers over the course of your life, this is the kind of overshare you’ll always be proud of!
5. Put your guests first. All the little touches for your guests will not go unnoticed. Think about how your friends and family will experience your wedding, and go out of your way to make them comfortable and happy. Have a basket of flip-flops, get an extra midnight snack, provide blankets or pashminas if it gets cold at night. Your guests will be grateful that you thought of them! If you have to choose this over something for yourself, it will be worth it to see them having so much fun. A wedding is going to be less fun if no one is having the most fun.
6. Have your sister or bridesmaid or wedding planner or one of your new in-laws save cake for you. Otherwise, you will not eat it. You will cut it, take a bite, and then it will disappear into thin air and your guests’ tequila-soaked stomachs.
7. Eat the top of your cake instead of freezing it. I didn’t get a slice of cake at my wedding, but we did freeze the top … only to realize three years later it was sitting in my father-in-law’s freezer. Now we’re like, Do we throw it out? It’s too old to eat, but it has sentimental value! Perishable items should not be treated as though they carry sentimental value. So just eat them as God intended.
8. Your honeymoon is one of the best things you will ever do. Weddings are expensive and stressful on their own, and it’s hard to carve out the time and extra money for a trip when you’re done with that. But taking a honeymoon is so worth it. It’s the only time in your life where no one will expect to hear from you or ask anything of you — you can just disappear and focus on being with the person you love the most! And drinking a lot more Champagne. People love to give honeymooners Champagne. It’s the best!
9. Write your thank-you notes right after the wedding. Don’t drag this out. It will hang over your head like filing your taxes — only there’s no actual deadline for it, so you’ll just wait and wait until nearly a year or more has gone by. Just get it over with as soon as you’re back from your honeymoon and move on! Your guests went out of their way to go to your wedding and buy you gifts, so it’s not too much to ask to send a prompt thank-you.